| so i have decided that i no longer want to be merely a follower of Christ. I want to be a disciple. Today in New Testament class i learned that the meaning of "passion" is suffering. i know we are all supposed to say that we are "carrying our cross". to say that we would die for Christ. but am I, would I really? A few days ago i was talking with Liz (roomate) about whether we truly even know God. And if we don't truly know God, how can we love Him? How much of how i think i know God is really just knowing about Him? or, even worse, how much is just emotion... and then what about my life. I guess i kinda went through/ am going through a stage of hating everything legalistic and focusing on the freedom of Christ, meaning that many things i once thought to be blatantly wrong, i am not so sure about anymore. but i have come to realize that maybe that is the wrong way to look at it as well. what if everything i did or did not do was not dependent on society's ideas of normalacy or christian culture's ideas of holiness. what if everything i did was because i know that when I sin, i am breaking the heart of my God, the one who has loved me beyond anything i could ever return. The one who has given me chance after chance when i screw up. the One who has given me the only true hope in this life. And what if everything i did was based on knowing God deeper, and thereby loving Him with all that I am. i think that would be kinda radical. Jesus asked Peter three times, "Do you love me?", even after telling him that he would have to die for loving him. i do not want to be average. i have said that my whole life. i want my life to be different, to make a real difference in people's lives. and i still do, but now i am checking my motives. do i want my life to be different for my own fame? for my own sense of adventure? because i want to prove something to God (and myself), like perhaps my own faith? i want to live a different life, but i want it to be because the world is dying and i am so overcome with the love of my Savior that i consider it an honor, not a duty, to make a difference in people's lives. I have been praying a lot lately about having God's love for people because i believed that that was the most important thing you can ever do. then i realized i was wrong. Jesus said that the greatest commandment was to love my God with all of who I am, and then to love my neighbor. Maybe that is part of the reason why it was so difficult for me to love people who are oh so difficult to. Maybe my whole life is not revolving around knowing and loving God. Actually, there is no maybe about it. There is no way i could ever make a difference in this world without loving people, and no way i can love people without loving God. In my missions textbook, there is a quote from John Wesley, a missionary, who said, "I went to America to help get the Indians converted but what have i discovered meanwhile? That I myself need to be converted to God." I feel like i have not even breeched the surface of knowing God. i just cannot believe that it took this long for me to realize it. I want to be radical. |
